


My crazy life 8

by NordicPossession



Series: Humor [8]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, The Mummy: The Animated Series, Transformers: Prime
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-08
Updated: 2020-03-08
Packaged: 2021-03-01 02:07:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,368
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23067463
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NordicPossession/pseuds/NordicPossession
Relationships: Friends - Relationship
Series: Humor [8]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1607026





	My crazy life 8

**guy on TV:** “......at the last green, the 72nd hole of this championship.....”  
**Me:** “Golf yet again? I could walk through here naked and you wouldn't even notice Imhotep. You're not Tiger Woods.”  
**Imhotep:** “Twenty-one years old Tiger is. You know, he started when he was three. I should have been out there when I was three. What the hell was I thinking?”  
**Blee:** _*comes into the room.*_ “Three wins already this year?”  
**Imhotep:** “That's four. Where's our son going?”  
**Me:** “Where he always goes, to hug his father, you idiot.” _*I go into another room.*_  
**Imhotep:** “All right, take it easy Luba!”  
**Blee:** “Do you want a soda?”  
**Imhotep:** “Sure. Man, I don't even think I could pass that test!”  
**Blee:** “Let's go golfing! Let's go tomorrow.”  
**Imhotep:** “No absolutely not! I can't do that to Luba! I just got back from five days on the road! I can’t up and leave her for yet another day!”  
**Blee:** “Just see what she says, Imhotep.”  
**Imhotep:** “No. I'll get in trouble just for asking. I'm not even going to try.”  
**Blee:** “How about I ask you in front of her as if I’m asking you for the first time. And then you will turn me down. She'll think that you are "being thoughtfuI," you know? And then we just hope Santa takes the cookies.”  
**Imhotep:** “Do whatever you wish Blee......I’m not going.”  
**Blee:** “As soon as she comes down, I’ll do it. Okay. Sit. Look normal. Don't do anything. Will you put your foot up?”  
**Imhotep:** “I don't have to.”  
**Blee:** “Please put your foot up. Put the popcorn here. As soon as she comes down.”  
_*I come back into the room.*_  
**Blee:** “Supposed to be nice tomorrow, Imhotep.”  
**Imhotep:** “So I heard.”  
**Blee:** “Hey, we should go golfing.”  
**Imhotep:** “No, I just got back from the road. I want to be home. Good to be home.”  
**Blee:** “We'll go to Westchester. They just resodded.”  
**Imhotep:** “Did they? Did they resod that?”  
**Blee:** “New grass.”  
**Imhotep:** “Oh, man, sounds great, but I won’t go with you. I won’t go golfing. No. So I won’t Blee. Forget it. Maybe some other time.”  
**Blee:** “Some other time, we might not get out for free.”  
**Imhotep:** “Free?”  
**Blee:** “Maybe Green Goblin, he works down at the pro shop you know. He can comp us. You know, save us 1,000$ if all of the guys go.”  
**Imhotep:** “It's not about the money. I've been gone for a week. No, I won’t.”  
**Me:** “I think you should go, Imhotep.”  
**Imhotep:** “What? You do? I just got back from the road though.”  
**Me:** “Yeah, I do, I mean, if you guys can save $1,000 then yeah, go. But then maybe you could lay off the golf for a very long time, okay Imhotep?”  
**Imhotep:** “Okay.”  
**Me:** “And I mean you know, playing golf in real life, watching golf on TV, playing video game golf on the computer, Golf in the bathroom as well.”  
_*The next morning at the golf course.*_  
**Blee:** “We're in.”  
**Imhotep:** “Why did you say it's for free when it was not?”  
**Blee:** “Imhotep, it wasn't working. I had to add a little sauce.”  
**Megatron:** “What's the difference? We're going golfing.”  
**Imhotep:** “We are.”  
**Blee:** “Great!”  
_*At 12:00 noon.*_  
**Imhotep:** “I got to take a shower. I smell like the winner!”  
**Megatron:** “I didn't have my best game out there.”  
**Imhotep:** “Yeah, well, that happens.”  
**Blee:** “You know, Megatron, you can't curse that loud on a golf course.”  
**Megatron:** “Yep, you're right.”  
**Imhotep:** “It's just a game Blee!”  
**Blee:** “Yeah, it's just, oh come on!”  
**Imhotep:** “Sorry.”  
**Megatron:** “Hey, you guys want to play another nine?”  
**Blee:** “I'm ready.”  
**Imhotep:** “Ok.”  
**Blee:** “Don't you have to go home?”  
**Imhotep:** “Oh, I should should not I? Luba’s waiting. But you know what? We're so early, if we hurry up, if we stop talking, we can get nine more in, and she won't know the difference.”  
**Blee:** “I'm gonna need some more tees.”  
**Megatron:** “Just need five more balls.”  
**Blee:** “Stop taking them from my bag Megs! I'll give them to you.”  
**Imhotep:** “I'm feeling a little flush all of a sudden.”  
**Blee:** “No, let's go.”  
**Imhotep:** “No, I mean I'm a little jumpy here.”  
**Blee:** “Me too. Let's go.”  
**Imhotep:** “Wait a minute. I'm not feeling right here.”  
**Megatron:** “What is it, Imhotep?”  
**Imhotep:** “I don't know. Something's going on here.”  
**Megatron:** “You have any tingling in your left arm or chest pains? If not, it's not a heart attack. If so, then it’s a heart attack.”  
**Blee:** “All right. Let's get going then.”  
**Imhotep:** “Back up a little, will you? Back up. Come on. Give me room.”  
**Blee:** “How far do you want us to go?”  
**Imhotep:** “I'm feeling crowded here.”  
**Blee:** “Relax. You just got to relax. Sit down.”  
**Imhotep:** “Would you shut up for a second?”  
**Blee:** “Get him some water Megs!”  
**Megatron:** “Make it a ginger ale! I'm going to need $1.” _*A little while later.*_  
**Blee:** “How are you doing now?”  
**Imhotep:** “I feel fine now.”  
**Blee:** “I'm sorry about that. You know what it could have been?”  
**Imhotep:** “What?”  
**Blee:** “Tick bite. From a deer tick. A deer tick bite.”  
**Imhotep:** “No. This wasn't a bite. This was something internaI.”  
**Megatron:** “Maybe you have a fear of public speaking.”  
**Imhotep:** “Maybe this whole thing is from guilt.”  
**Blee:** “Guilt? From what?”  
**Imhotep:** “From going when Luba did not want me to go.”  
**Blee:** “That was because I needed someone to go with me, that's all.”  
**Imhotep:** “It was harmless, right?”  
**Blee:** “Yeah.”  
_*Imhotep then proceeds to barf and faint. Blee and Megatron take him to the ER.*_  
**Imhotep:** _*wakes up in a hospital bed with Blee sitting beside him._ “Tell Megatron I'll be in X-ray in 10 minutes.”  
**Blee:** “Tell the doctor to do a tick check!”  
**Imhotep:** “Right.”  
**Doctor:** _*doctor comes into the room soon after Blee leaves the room to go get Megatron.*_ “Hey, Imhotep. Let's see your EKG's fine, blood pressure is fine. Did I see your friends in the waiting room?”  
**Imhotep:** “Yeah.”  
**Blee:** _*Comes back into the room with Megatron.*_ “How are his feet doing? Have they cleared up yet?”  
**Doctor:** “It's been a while since I've seen his feet, really. I'll tell you, that was an uphill battle. Anyway, Imhotep, from what I see here, you're in good health. I think it was nothing more than a little anxiety.”  
**Imhotep:** “Oh, man, is that it? What did I have, an anxiety attack?”  
**Doctor:** “I prefer to call it an episode.”  
**Imhotep:** “Oh ok, I see. So Megatron’s feet was an attack.”  
**Megatron:** “Your mind is like, for lack of a better word, a donkey. You can only throw so many bags on its back before it lies down and won't get up.”  
**Doctor:** “So you've got to relieve some of that stress. Do things that relax you. What do you enjoy doing?”  
**Blee:** _*Before Imhotep can answer Blee interrupts him.*_ “Well, he likes to golf!”  
**Doctor:** “Well, then, by all means, get out there and play as much golf as you guys can.”  
**Imhotep:** “Well, wait a minute. Wait. That's where this episode happened.”  
**Doctor:** “Oh, that could have happened anywhere. You've been on the road a lot recently. You got a wife, kids, annoying friends whom live with you. This was a long time coming. Play some golf.”  
**Imhotep:** “So I have to go home, and tell my wife that I need to play more golf?”  
**Doctor:** “Doctor's orders.”  
**Imhotep:** “Okay. But let me just ask you this one thing: would I see a podiatrist or a proctologist to get a foot removed from my ass?”  
_*an hour later at home.*_  
**Blee:** “What the hell? Who's throwing chicken bones in here?”  
**Megatron:** “Holy crap!”  
**Me:** “Megatron, do you have to curse?”  
**Megatron:** “Do you want it fixed or not Luba? Bastard chicken bones. I need my frigging needle-nose!”  
**Me:** “Bones in the garbage! So, it must have been a good game because you're two hours late.”  
**Imhotep:** “Yeah, well, something strange happened.”  
**Me:** “Really, what?”  
**Imhotep:** “After golfing we were in the locker room, and I got this weird feeling, then I puked and fainted.”  
**Me:** “Imhotep, you are not gay.”  
**Imhotep:** “No, I know. You told me, but this was something else.”  
**Maul:** “Are you okay Imhotep? Blee told me what happened.”  
**Me:** “What happened!?”  
**Blee:** “Tell her what Dr. Sundram said.”  
**Me:** “Wait a minute. Doctor?”  
**Imhotep:** “well after the game I felt all guilty for letting Blee force me into going golfing with him so I puked and fainted. So Blee and Megatron took me to the ER. They said I'm perfectly fine. They said it was nothing more than an anxiety attack. That's all. Plus I need some room to finish my work here. Will you all clear out please!?”  
**Kylo Ren:** _*comes into the room.*_ “Imhotep had an attack today! Hahahaha!”  
**Imhotep:** “Stop Kylo! Seriously guys, it was nothing. It was just a little anxiety. That's all.”  
**Kylo Ren:** “An anxiety attack? Give me a break. Everyone's having those nowadays. It's hippy!”  
**Maul:** “That's not funny, Kylo! Our friend has mental problems!”  
**Me:** “Listen, can I just talk to Imhotep alone, please?”  
**Megatron:** _*walks into the room.*_ “Hey, tell Luba about the doctor yet?”  
**Imhotep:** “Yeah, Megs. I did alright?”  
**Megatron:** “But did you tell her what he recommended for you?”  
**Me:** “What!?”  
**Imhotep:** “Nothing!! The doctor said I need to relax, to take it easy and to not worry about everything. That's all. Could you go? Could you guys go? Like now, PLEASE!?”  
**Blee:** “All right, I'm hungry anyways. Come on, Megs!”  
**Megatron:** “No, feed yourself. My friend needs me.”  
**Imhotep:** “Cut the cord will you guys!?! Megs, please, just go!! Go with Blee all of you idiots!! It's okay!! I'm fine!!”  
**Megs:** “All right, only if you promise me to do exactly what the doctor said!”  
**Imhotep:** “I will!!! Please go now!!!” _*everybody leaves.*_  
**Me:** “Okay, so what did the doctor say? What are you supposed to......so he told you to relax? Are you going to listen to him?”  
**Imhotep:** “I think so. Yes.”  
**Me:** “So what did he tell you to do?Like you're supposed to take time off from work, or not?”  
**Imhotep:** “He actually said what he thought would help me was if I played more golf.”  
**Me:** “Dr. Sundram said play more golf!?! You did not bribe him to say that did you?”  
**Imhotep:** “No! Before I could answer the docs question, Blee interrupted me and said that I liked playing golf! So the doc prescribed more golf for me. I have a note from the doctor even.”  
**Me:** “He wrote you a note?”  
**Imhotep:** “I knew you wouldn't believe it, so I went back and asked him to write it down.” _*hands me the note.*_  
**Me:** _*reads the note.*_ “”Don’t forget to play as much golf as you can!”” O.M.G.......the scumbag.....does anyone care about my wishes here!? Oh god I hope that you did not force him to agree with you or do a mind trick on him......”  
**Imhotep:** “would you stop believing that I did anything to cause all this!? I didn’t!! It was Blee!! It happens to be a very relaxing sport, honey, and the doctor DID tell me to relax so......”  
**Me:** “I mean, if I could get a second opinion in here I think that's what you should do.”  
**Imhotep:** “You do!?”  
**Me:** “Yeah. I mean, you know, it is really stressful around here by simply watching TV golf soon after you step foot in this house right after coming home from doing hardly anything at your “job/work” of writing sports stats down, something that I used to very easily do when I was a freaking 3 year old, till you go to bed every goddamn day and not do anything else to help your extremely stressed out depressed wife with whatever she needs help with then by all means make my life a living hell while you and your idiot friends get all of the glory!!!!” _*I storm out of the house. The next day.*_  
**Maul:** “Hi, Luba.”  
**Me:** “Hi, Maul”  
**Maul:** “The kids in schooI?”  
**Me:** “Yeah, I got, like, half an hour to get everything done before I have to go pick them up.”  
**Maul:** “Where's Imhotep?”  
**Me:** “He's out golfing with his idiot friends, AGAIN.”  
**Maul:** “Oh no......that ungrateful idiot!! I'm so worried about you! Are you okay, honey? I mean, you look really drained.”  
**Me:** “You know, I'm just really tired, that's all.”  
**Maul:** “Why don't you lay down?”  
**Me:** “I really can't. I've got a lot to do before......”  
**Me:** “You can lay right down here for a while.” _*helps me walk on over to the couch and lay down.*_ “There you go.”  
**Me:** “Thanks a lot Maul.”  
**Maul:** “Listen, I know these last 9 days have been very hard on you, honey and that you're doing everything you can for everybody. But maybe the way you can help yourself be happier and get rid of your stress is very simple.”  
**Me:** “What do you mean?”  
**Maul:** “Well, I couldn't help wondering, dear, are you making your love available to Imhotep? You know what I'm talking about?”  
**Me:** _*shocked and upset that Maul would even ask this of me.*_ “Please, Maul!!!”  
**Maul:** “Listen, you know Imhotep doesn't like to have to ask you for and about things......”  
**Me:** “Do we have to talk about this right now!?”  
**Maul:** “I'm just trying to help......”  
**Me:** “listen Maul, I didn't say anything when you told me how Imhotep likes his cloths folded up, but this is over the line!!”  
**Maul:** “I'm sorry, but Imhotep needs your love.”  
_*Meanwhile at the golf course.*_  
**Blee:** “Come on, Imhotep, you didn't lose a bet, you paid for a lesson!”  
**Imhotep:** “Hey, way to go, Megatron! You didn't curse once today!”  
**Megatron:** “Yeah, I'm getting better you loser!”  
**Blee:** “Let's play nine more.”  
**Megatron:** “I'm in!”  
**Imhotep:** “No, I don't want to.”  
**Megatron:** “What do you mean?”  
**Imhotep:** “I don't feeI like playing.”  
**Blee:** “Oh, no. You freaking out again?”  
**Imhotep:** “Look, I had that anxiety attack because I did something mean unto Luba okay? And now I'm getting this free ride out of it that I don't deserve! I'm going home.”  
**Blee:** “Just nine more!”  
**Imhotep:** “Don't you see me out there? I'm not enjoying the game.”  
**Megatron:** “You're not keeping your head down.”  
**Imhotep:** “It's enough already!! I have to talk to Luba!!” _*leaves Blee and Megs and starts walking home.*_  
**Blee:** “You want to play, just you and me?”  
**Megatron:** “Okay, but you got to give me more strokes.”  
**Blee:** “Why, you tired?”  
**Megatron:** “No, I think my hand's broken.”  
_*a couple hours later.*_  
**Imhotep:** “Luba, I'm home. Luba, where are you?”  
**Me:** “I'm up here. In the bedroom.”  
**Imhotep:** “Where is everybody else?”  
**Me:** “I kicked them out of the house for the day.”  
**Imhotep:** “Good. Come down, will you? I want to talk to you.”  
**Me:** “I think you might want to come up.”  
**Imhotep:** “It's 3:00. This can't be sex. Come down, will you?”  
**Me:** “All right, but I'll have to put clothes on.”  
**Imhotep:** “Coming up!”  
_*After an hour and a half of having sex.*_  
**Imhotep:** “oh god do I love you to death!”  
**Me:** “So, yeah, it wasn't a bad day for you? This and golf?”  
**Imhotep:** “Oh, yeah, golf......Yeah, that's what I wanted to talk to you about before.”  
**Me:** “Okay, so tell me now sweetie.”  
**Imhotep:** “Okay. You know, the other day, when I had that episode?”  
**Me:** “Yes.”  
**Imhotep:** “Yeah. I don't think it was because I needed to play more golf. I think it was because I was feeling guilty about letting Blee use me in order to trick you into letting me play golf.”  
**Me:** “What are you talking about? I told you to go.”  
**Imhotep:** “No. No, you only thought that you did.”  
**Me:** “Imhotep, come on, I was there when I said it.”  
**Imhotep:** “Yeah, it was kind of a con job......”  
**Me:** “What!?!”  
**Imhotep:** “I had just got home two days ago right? So, here I am watching golf with Blee and I was just making small talk about golf, Tiger Woods to be exact, with Blee like men do with one another and Blee all of a sudden cooks up this elaborate plan to trick you into letting me go golfing with him.”  
**Me:** “So, what about the doctor's? You know, where he tells you to play golf forever?”  
**Imhotep:** “That was real.”  
**Me:** “oh my god Blee’s crazy!!”  
_*that evening when everybody’s home.*_  
**Me:** “So, Blee, when you told the doctor that Imhotep likes to play golf was that just another one of your elaborate tricks to get Imhotep into playing even more golf with you in order to drive me insane?”  
**Blee:** “I might have left out the tricking part......”  
**Me:** “Oh really?”  
**Blee:** “I was going to tell him, but then when he prescribed that Imhotep play as much golf as he feels like with his friends I kind of forgot.”  
**Me:** “You forgot? You tricked the Doctor and before that you then make Imhotep feel bad about going golfing with you so now I have to make sure that he needs to relax even more than he already needs to.”  
**Blee:** “I never meant for that to happen......”  
**Me:** “You have some nerve Blee!!!”  
**Blee:** “I know......”  
**Me:** “”Don't let Imhotep get overworked while his wife is dying from being overworked! Let me trick him into deserting his wife in order to play more golf with you! Then, let me make Imhotep guilty of what you did unto his wife, cause him to go to the ER, then force him to play even more golf with you!””  
**Blee:** “Look, I never thought that......”  
**Me:** “Oh, my God!!! What about me, Blee!?! When do I get to have an episode!?! I think I deserve an episode!!! When do I get to have my.......”  
**Blee:** “Wait a minute, all right!? You're making fun of an illness here!!”  
**Me:** “I don’t give a goddamn shit Blee!!! What else was a trick!?! You tricking Maul to come help me just in order to have him tell me to have sex with Imhotep!?!”  
**Maul:** “What!?!?”  
**Me:** “Yep. This is what I have to put up with while you're off playing golf. Maul coming over here and telling me it'll help Imhotep relax if I make myself "available" to him!!!”  
**Maul:** “Oh.....my.....god.....”  
**Imhotep:** “Did we really just have sex with each other because it was in Blee’s best interest to trick Maul into talking us into having sex together!?”  
**Maul:** “How sick is that!?”  
**Megatron:** “Very.”  
**Imhotep:** “I'm thinking of Blee now.”  
**Me:** “How could you listen to him!?!”  
**Imhotep:** “Because I did not want to make him upset.”  
**Me:** “Well I'm not the one running off to play golf to make Blee feel good!!!”  
**Imhotep:** “You don't think I care about you!?! Why do you think I'm confessing!?! Don't you see!?! I feel guilty!?! Guilt! That means love! I had to come home and confess to you!!”  
**Me:** “But you waited until after we had sex......it now has made the sex meaningless......” _*I start crying.*_  
**Imhotep:** “I'm sorry. Look, I'm never going to play golf again.”  
**Me:** “Oh yes, you will!”  
**Imhotep:** “I know I will. But not as much. I promise. And only if I know it doesn't take anything away from us. Ever.”  
**Me:** “Really?”  
**Imhotep:** “I mean it. I'm so very sorry my love!”  
_*We fall asleep on the couch holding each other. The next morning.*_  
**Me:** “good morning Mr. Idiot Blee!”  
**Blee:** “I know......”  
**Me:** “If you ever need to take time for yourself Blee, I want you to do it without tricking anyone else into doing it with you.”  
**Blee:** “ok.....I’m so very sorry.....”  
**Imhotep:** “I sure do hope that you are Blee, I sure do hope that you are......I know that I am......”


End file.
